Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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