Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
