the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
