You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
