you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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