I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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