a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
