I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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