so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
