Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
