i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
