toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I checked into jail on foursquare
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
