Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
