The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
