I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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