Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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