if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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