Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
