just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
