I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
