My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
