You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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