Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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