Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
