just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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