Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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