I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
