I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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