We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Every concussion has its silver lining
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Randomize
