it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
