I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
