My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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