if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
