I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
