I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
