i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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