I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
