Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize