just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
