After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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