You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
