I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
