I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
