I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
