Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
