dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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