I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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