I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
