I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
