His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
