i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
